Sacramental prep year

Now that school, homeschooling, and religious education are back in full swing, I imagine a good percentage of you have children receiving sacraments this year. Regardless of their age and whether it's First  Reconciliation and First Eucharist or Confirmation or all 3, I wanted to talk about what you can do to be an active participant in the experience.

Sadly, many parishes do not have programs, curricula, etc. in place that intimately involve the parents in the formal preparation for these sacraments. The bulk of prep will take place in the classroom and maybe there will be a retreat or a few other meetings/events/prayer services, but that's about it. I, myself, will be preparing twenty 8th graders at my parish for Confirmation using the new program Decision Point from The Dynamic Catholic Institute. My kids will go on a retreat, but most all the prep will be done in class. I am still discerning how I want to go about engaging the parents more after Christmas when we begin most of the formal preparation for Confirmation. I'll keep you posted as I go along!

Regardless of whether or not your parish has a lot of activities set up for you and your child to do together, this is a great time to make some extra time for your child. Regardless of which sacrament(s) your child is preparing for, here are some ideas.

If your child is around 2nd grade age you can:

• After Mass, have him/her draw a picture of the gospel and discuss that picture with him/her.
• Spend a few minutes each week talking with your child about the Eucharist. Have them ask their questions and if they don't know, research an answer and get back to them! 
• When your child is in trouble, use those moments to lovingly discuss Reconciliation and explain how important it will be for him/her to apologize to God as well so he/she can do better next time.  
• Work on memorizing prayer/songs like the Gloria or Nicene Creed. Learn 2-3 lines each week and discuss what they mean as you go.
• Go to Eucharistic Adoration. Even if it's just for 10-15 minutes once or twice a month, that special quiet time with your child in the Lord's Presence will benefit your entire family!
• Invite your priest for dinner. Have your child help prepare the meal. Ask your priest to tell you about his First Communion. (You could also do this with your child's catechist, DRE or a deacon at the parish.)
• Record some children's shows on EWTN and view them together. 
• Get a book of the saints and read about a saint together each night. Ask that saint to pray for your child. 
• Create a huge Eucharist collage on butcher paper. Start by gluing down an image of the Last Supper. Each week, add 1 or more new images: Catholic friends, family members, fellow parishioners, local clergy or religious, etc. If possible, use photos from their First Communions. Make sure to include saints and deceased relatives. Talk about how all these people are part of the Eucharist each and every week. Put the collage in your child's bedroom. Put a photo of your child somewhere in the house. Have that photo travel a few inches or feet closer to the Eucharist each week. It'll be a great visual countdown! The morning of their First Eucharist, they can move the photo onto the collage. 

If your child is closer to 8th grade you can:

• Read the readings (or just the gospel) before Mass and discuss it on the drive/walk to church.
• Make a Holy Hour once/month or so.
• Receive Reconciliation with him/her every 1-2 months. 
• Each week  pick a Gift or Fruit of the Holy Spirit. Discuss what it means, how to live it out, how you've experienced it that week, etc. There are 16 total, so after you've gone through each of them, go through them again. You can probably get through each one 2 or 3 times before Confirmation so they'll really get to comprehend how the Holy Spirit is active in his/her life.
• Pick 3 or 4 saints your son/daughter is interested in or might feel a connection to. Read about their lives together and/or read some of their writings. If your child is expected to pick a saint's name for Confirmation, this will help immensely with the decision process.

Regardless of the age of your child, as a family you can:

• Create a special prayer table or add special items to your current prayer table that will help remind everyone to pray especially for the child preparing. This could include: a photo of that child, his or her baptismal candle, or his/her artwork depicting the sacrament(s) being prepared for.
• Attend daily Mass once/week (in addition to Sunday and Holy Days)
• Attend Mass on the Feast Day of  your child's patron saint. 
• Find service projects to do as a family such as making cards for parishioners who are homebound, preparing a meal at a homeless shelter, or doing house or yardwork for an elderly neighbor. 

Don't get me wrong, many of these are suggestions I hope you might use at any time in your child's life. However, I know that during this special, holy, exciting year you may be looking to do something extra,  new or different. I hope my suggestions help! What things have you done at home or, if you're a catechist, what things have you suggested parents do at home, to help better prepare a child for the sacraments? 

Taking Your Tween/Teen to Mass- Part 2

The Doubting Thomas Tween/Teen

I have had the pleasure of catechizing many young people who aren't sure God exists, aren't sure Jesus Christ is the Messiah, and/or aren't sure Catholicism is the faith founded by Christ. I relate strongly to these young people because I was one of them. Unfortunately, from the ages of 10-15, when my faith had the most doubts, I didn't have a safe place to share these doubts. I didn't feel I could tell my parents and I had no other close, adult mentors. Yup- I was an atheist altar server and no one knew it at the time.  Junior high youth ministry wasn't a thing yet and I wasn't old enough for my parish's youth ministry offerings until I was a sophomore. By then, I had struggled much and lost a lot of faith. I might have been in less turmoil if I'd had someone to help and encourage me much sooner.

First and foremost, do you know whether or not your child is one of these people? Like me, your teen/tween might not feel they can tell their parents. I received the Sacrament of Confirmation when I was 13 and in the 8th grade. Our parents gave us letters to read that morning, after rehearsal. My mom's letter upset me. It said, "I know most kids your age are just going through the motions, but I am so proud knowing you aren't one of them." (insert sucker punch to the gut here) I had lots of anger towards bullying at school and blamed God. I kept praying to God to make the bullying stop. The longer things went on and my prayers went "unanswered", I determined God didn't exist because a loving God would never make me suffer so much. At the time, I felt I shouldn't receive Confirmation but didn't know how to articulate that to my parents, teachers, or godmother/sponsor. Looking back, I'm grateful I received it when I did because I believe the Holy Spirit gave me the strength and courage to come back to the Catholic faith in two year's time. Without Confirmation, perhaps I wouldn't have been as open.

I always encourage my students to tell me if they don't believe in God/Christ. It helps me help them. I spend lots of extra time with my Doubting Thomas students discussing, debating, catechizing, theorizing, praying... you name it. They need someone to work through this with them, not someone to judge them, blame them, or ignore them.

Do your best to talk with your tween/teen about their level of belief. If he/she won't open up to you, find someone they can talk with. Your son or daughter might tell you they are an atheist and don't believe in God. The biggest reason most kids give me is that "science makes sense", "I believe in the big bang theory and/or evolution" or "science proves God doesn't exist". One of the best Catholic resources out there comes from the Magis Center. This Jesuit-run ministry has amazing tools (including a DVD and workbook series) to help teens study science and understand how scientific truths coexist side-by-side what we know about God. This series addresses every science/religion argument your child can throw at you. Consider asking someone at your parish to start a ministry to allow these kids to healthfully explore science in a Catholic context and see how science definitely does not disprove God's existence.

Is your tween/teen unsure Christ is who he says he is? Or unsure Catholicism is the one, true faith? Here is where Lighthouse Catholic Media offers some AMAZING tools. From talks by Scott Hahn and Matthew Kelly to books such as "Confessions of a Mega Pastor" you can find so many stories of conversion, including converts from Satanism, Mormonism, Judaism, and a variety of Protestant faiths. Talks like Mark Hart's "Remade" discuss lifelong Catholics strengthening and deepening their faith. Listen to and discuss them as a family or in small groups of tweens/teens. Some of them are even part of Lighthouse's teen series and made especially for their age.

Another great book for kids who are doubting is the series of daring teen saints by Colleen Swaim. Both Ablaze and Radiate are filled phenomenal stories that will soften the hardest of teens' hearts. These stories show them how relevant Catholicism is to young people- so relevant that they have been canonized. Read a few pages as a family each night and pray to those saints. Don't say it aloud, but ask the saint you're reading to pray for your child in doubt. Intercessory prayer is a great thing and underutilized tool in our faith.

Doing the Bare Minimum/Practical Matters

If your tween/teen fights you on Mass attendance, remind them of your baptismal call to raise them in the faith. Educate them on the precepts of the Church as defined in the Catechism of the Catholic Church #2041-2043:

1- You shall attend Mass on Sundays and holy days of obligation and rest from servile labor.

2- You shall confess your sins at least once a year.

3 - You shall receive the sacrament of the Eucharist at least during the Easter season.

4 - You shall observe the days of fasting and abstinence established by the Church.

5- You shall help to provide for the needs of the Church

Make an agreement that you will hold them to these, and only these, until they are 18. Tell them this isn't about them- it's about you. You, as a parent, made a promise to God and it's unfair of your tween/teen to expect you to break that promise. Set conditions you can both agree on such as:

• If you willingly go to Mass each Sunday and Holy Day, I won't make you do chores on those days so as to rest from "servile labor" on those days. Any kid who gets a one day pass on lawn mowing or dishes is likely to do anything you want! Do not let them boast or brag about this privilege to siblings and, in fact, tell them if they mention it to their siblings then they will receive extra chores. This is a private matter between you and your struggling tween/teen. 
• Don't force them to sit with you. Provided they have shown they can behave and pay reasonable attention, let them sit alone or with friends. A very wise RE parent called me one fall and said to please make sure my daughter is in the same class with so-and-so. We had Sunday morning RE. The girls (aged 9 or so) would sit together at Mass, attend RE together, and come home for a play date at one of the girls' homes. Make a more adult deal of sorts for older kids, but help find peers to reinforce whenever possible. 

• Don't pressure your teen to participating in Mass. In fact, encourage them to sit there and talk with God about his/her doubts. Two things will happen: most self conscious tweens/teens will want to stand, pray, etc. once not forced to do so because they don't like standing out and, secondly, these "conversations" with God are a prayer, even in doubt. Sitting there and thinking, "God, I don't think you exist" is still prayer.

• You must come to Reconciliation once/year (preferably during Lent) and speak with a priest. I cannot force you to go to confession, but think you should so as to prepare yourself for Easter Eucharist. Let them know it's perfectly acceptable (and probably more common than we think) to walk into a confessional and say, "Father, I don't know why I am here. I am unsure if I believe in God or not. I don't want to go to Mass and I don't consider myself Catholic." Let the priest and the Holy Spirit take it from there. 

• Receive the Eucharist at Easter. Most of us forget that we are not required to receive the Eucharist every week. Tell your teen they may stay in the pew or go up for a blessing (as appropriate in your congregation). This sounds like a free pass but most teens are too self-conscious to stray from the norm. You'd be surprised that after being questioned by friends once or twice, they'll likely start going again on their own. Be patient with this process. 

• Abstain from meat on Fridays during Lent and Ash Wednesday. (If your family observes no meat on any Friday, you should make that the expectation.)

• Volunteer your time at Church in some capacity for a set number of days/hours per year. Whether it's helping in the nursery, greeting at Mass, or stuffing bulletins, find a benign ministry they can do that will not force them to pray or act on things they are doubting right now. Make the ministry as far removed from Mass/prayer as possible  but let them know the expectation. 

• If they have a job, consider telling them they must tithe 10% (or a % more appropriate if you cannot afford to tithe 10%) - 5% to the parish and 5% to a special fund you're willing to match (this is instead of the 5% to a charity of choice often recommended). You and your son/daughter can agree on a "cause" for this fund even if the "charity" is as simple as taking the whole family out to dinner or something a tad selfish but that  benefits the household and reinforces the family. If they are willing to give the other 5% to an actual charity, awesome, but it may take years to build to that step.

If Confirmation falls during this time when your child is struggling, set basic expectations: they must attend any/all prep up to and including the retreat. They must not insult the faith of those around them. They must meet with the DRE, youth minister, a deacon, or a priest (someone will almost definitely be willing) once at the beginning of the process to explain why they don't want to do it and once after the retreat to discern if they still want to back out. As a DRE I always promised those students (and my pastor agreed) that since they had done all the prep, they could return to me anytime before the age of 18 and ask to receive Confirmation. I would expect them to go on retreat again to spiritually prepare, but that would be all.
Most of all, remember the less you fight them, the more open their hearts will remain.

Some additional things you can do to help during this age/phase are:

• Discuss the readings and homily on the way home from Mass to help your child find relevance. 
• Encourage "prayer" at home that doesn't look like prayer. "What are 3 things you were grateful for today?" 
• Create more family time at meals or other occasions just to be together. The closer you are as a family, the more open your teen might be to discussing faith matters with you.
• Pray for your child and try not to push him/her. If you pray together as a family and your tween/teen balks, help them politely and appropriately voice their doubts/complaints/feelings to God.
• Within reason, help him/her explore other faiths. Accompany them to services at other churches and/or read on other faiths they think seem intriguing but always fall it up with a story of someone who converted to Catholicism from that faith and why. Help them see and understand both sides of it. You can appreciate the good things in ANY faith belief system provided you back it up with the how and why of what the Church teaches. You may even reaffirm your own faith along the way. 
• When you get frustrated, take the frustration out on God (He can take it!) and not your child. Remember, God gave your child free will and all those fun, stubborn thoughts he/she is having! ;)

Most of all, love your tween/teen, doubts and all. Remember, at this age they often just want to rebel. Don't let faith be the thing you most fight about and don't give them reason to want to rebel. Pushing too much will just lead them to push away.  And lastly, don't ever tell them they should be a Catholic "just because" or "because that's how I was raised". Help them find reasons to stay Catholic and, if you don't have any reasons other than "just because", start searching for reasons alongside your child. Good luck and God bless!

My Doubting Thomas Experience

I told one of my Doubting Thomas relatives recently about my "Jewostic" phase in college. My undergraduate Christology course left me doubting our Lord's divinity and, spiritually, left me somewhere between Jewish and agnostic. This period of doubt happened just as Lent started. I told God that for Lent I would commit to continuing to attend Mass each Sunday and would keep praying with the goal that God would soften my heart and I would enter Easter with joy and faith. I would keep up with my religious choirs and Wednesday night prayer/spirituality group. What happened? On my way to receive the Eucharist I would pray, "Lord, I don't believe this is really you, but if I'm wrong please help me to see and know otherwise.". Forty days later, the burden of my heart was lifted. It was gradual, nothing earth shattering, but Celine Dion played an odd role in my spiritual healing. One night I turned on the radio after an angry shouting match at God. The song That's the Way it Is was playing and I suddenly imagined the Lord singing to me:

I can read your mind

And I know your story

I see what you're going through, yeah

It's an uphill climb

And I'm feeling sorry

But I know it will come to you, yeah

Don't surrender

'Cause you can win

In this thing called love

When you want it the most

There's no easy way out

When you're ready to go

And your heart's left in doubt

Don't give up on your faith

Love comes to those who believe it

And that's the way it is

When you question me

For a simple answer

I don't know what to say, no

But it's plain to see

If you stick together

You're gonna find the way, yeah

So don't surrender

'Cause you can win

In this thing called love

When you want it the most

There's no easy way out

When you're ready to go

And your heart's left in doubt

Don't give up on your faith

Love comes to those who believe it

And that's the way it is

That's the way it is

When life is empty,

With no tomorrow,

And loneliness starts to call

Baby don't worry

Forget your sorrow

'Cause love's gonna conquer it all all

When you want it the most

There's no easy way out

When you're ready to go

And your heart's left in doubt

Don't give up on your faith

Love comes to those who believe it

(And that's the way it is

When you want it the most

There's no easy way out

When you're ready to go

And your heart's left to doubt)

Don't give up on your faith

Love comes to those who believe it

And that's the way it is

That's the way it is

That's the way it is

Don't give up on your faith

Love comes to those who believe it

And that's the way it is

So God and Celine got me through my roughest patch, eventually. There were other times of doubt where I pondered leaving the Catholic faith but Mass attendance, staying close to Our Lady, etc. helped me immensely and I don't think I'll ever face those doubts again. I have gone through VERY trying circumstances as an adult and with the help of God and Our Blessed Mother, my faith came out stronger than ever. During a potentially serious illness, the Anointing of the Sick, prayers from my parishioners, and Mass offered by my priest/boss brought me through. When I struggled to attend Mass because I was grieving a divorce (and barely got out of bed), friends prayed for me and countless hours were offered in front of the Blessed Sacrament for me. I know those prayers brought me safely to the other side.

Taking Your Tweens and Teens to Mass- Part I

 If you have a faith-filled child who willingly attends Mass between the ages of 11-18 you are blessed and lucky. In general, I think this is the toughest age to bring children to Mass though I haven't had children so trying to breastfeed twins while a toddler tap dances on the pews could be tougher. In all seriousness, I think because this is an age when kids begin to doubt, question, and/or rebel, it can be very difficult to help them grow in faith and take their faith seriously. It is important to note that this is also the age, in this country, when the majority of these young people will receive Confirmation or be expected to prepare for Confirmation. This means that just as they are losing their faith, we are asking them to reaffirm it.

In my experience, the major problems of tweens and teens at Mass typically falls into 2 camps: they are involved in a ministry such as children's choir or altar serving and enjoy Mass when they get to do that but otherwise have to be dragged to Mass or they begin expressing serious doubts about God, their faith, etc. and object to going at all. As a result, this blog entry will have two parts. This first part will address those kids who gripe about going to Mass because "it's boring" and help you engage your children through altar serving or other ministries. The second post will help you with children doubting Catholicism, Christianity, and/or God's existence. That post will also include practical tips on how to set expectations for your tween/teen, especially if he or she is balking.

Please know that I understand these struggles intimately. Twenty-five years ago I was that child. I had been raised Catholic but never had any reason to be Catholic other than all my family and friends were. Your tween/teen needs reasons in order to become an interested and engaged Catholic. Not knowing why I should be Catholic nor fully understanding the treasures of the Church nearly led to my leaving on more than one occasion. I don't want that for you or your child.

The I'll-Go-When-I-Have-a-Purpose Catholic

We've all known (or been!) this teen or tween. It's his/her week to cantor at a teen Mass, lector at a children's-focused Mass, or altar serve. They jump out of bed and are ready to leave for church an hour before Mass begins. Fast forward to the next week when they aren't participating in an assigned ministry. "Why do I have to go?" "I'm tired." "This is pointless." "We had a Mass at school on Friday. That should count for something." (Insert whiny rant/complaint here.)

The trouble with these young individuals is that they don't realize that they are at Mass simply for the Mass' sake. They are there to pray the Liturgy. Liturgy is the "work of the people". Mass is not the work of (just) the priest/altar server/usher/cantor/lector. We are all there do to our work- to pray the Liturgy with the priest, our fellow parishioners, and saints and angels. While the Mass can never be less or incomplete due to our inattentiveness, our participation is essential. Our prayers, singing, and participation are why we are there. Most importantly, we are there to receive our Lord's Body and Blood. Praying the Mass is how we prepare our mind, body, and soul for the Heavenly Banquet as well as spiritually gear up for the week ahead.

One of my favorite catechetical tools to help young people is the book "Do I Have to Go?" by Matthew Pinto & Christ Stefancik. I used this excellent read as a supplemental text for the Confirmation curriculum I compiled. My students always loved it. Parents, please suggest to your child's catechists and teachers of students in grades 6th+  that they should consider purchasing class copies and reading/discussing one or two questions a class. If you're a parent, find a young adult in your parish to lead a book discussion for 4-6 tweens or teens in your home. If you feel your child would respond well, read it as a family, but I know that can be tricky at the age we're dealing with here. The casual style will definitely get your kids to start understanding why the Mass is so essential to our lives as Catholics. Some of a sampling of the questions addressed:

• Why should I go to Mass?
• What is the difference between Mass and  my Protestant friend's Sunday worship service?
• What exactly is a sacrament?
• But why do we need to worship God with other people?
• I don't feel any holier after receiving communion. Is that normal?

Answers are short, refer to scripture and/or the Catechism, and provide clear explanations that even adults can enjoy, learn from, and discuss with their child(ren).

There are a large number of resources and programs you and/or your parish/school can use to help tween/teens understand the Mass. Tools such as the "Do I Have to Go?" book can go very far in helping young people desire to go to Mass. If you have good relationships with your pastor, principal, DRE, youth ministers, etc. I highly recommend discussing tools or adding programming, to help students better understand the Mass. A well-done, teaching Mass offered once/year to this age group can go far if you don't have the luxury of spending money or offering extensive programming. In my opinion, the best teaching Masses are "dry" Masses where you can allow students to pass around or come up closely to look at things such as the lectionary, paten, chalice, hand bells, etc. Plus, you aren't taking away from the sanctity of Mass. You'd be surprised at how much this can engage students.

The Altar Server Connection

Also, I think reviewing how altar serving training is done can have an enormous impact on young students' understanding of the Mass and help engage them in weeks when they aren't serving. Unfortunately, how we go about instruction doesn't always help this. Altar server instruction should be detailed and in depth. If possible, a priest should instruct but if a priest isn't available, use someone who is extremely knowledgeable about liturgy. Someone who won't just say, "bring the priest a bowl and towel at point X" but, rather, someone who can walk the students through the Mass in an in-depth, engaging, and intimate manner explaining the purposes of different prayers and gestures- particularly since they'll need to listen and watch closely for those gestures as their cues.

 I used to attend a parish where altar server training was part of the school curriculum but signing up for the ministry was optional. Typically, catechesis for 5th grade covers Mass and Sacraments. This also tends to be around the age when students can become altar servers so there are many great reasons to do this formation at this age. (I will not engage in the altar boy versus altar server debate here as there are excellent grounds on both sides of things. I will touch on what you can offer the young ladies if only males are altar servers at your parish.)

Encourage whomever does altar server training to work with the school principal and/or DRE to build that into the catechetical instruction for students. Whether school or religious education, ensure all students get training in serving on the altar as part of their classroom time, hopefully inviting home school families to participate as well. After training is complete, send home permission slips for those who wish to sign up for the parish schedule. It is likely you'll get a much higher percentage of students stepping up to serve if they have had the training, know what it's about, and have had practice. Some students might be too embarrassed or hesitant to sign up for training, but this process could encourage those kids to become servers once they realize they can do well at it. Also, every DRE has gone through not having enough RE students trained as servers to help at RE Masses. This helps eliminate that problem.

If your parish only has male servers, what are they offering for the young ladies of that age? Is it feasible to start a Junior Altar and Rosary League or Mini Sacristans group? Educate and train young ladies on the tools of the Mass just as you do the young men. Can they assist older parishioners with upkeep of the sanctuary, washing/polishing vessels, laundering linens, etc.? The training is because they will treat the sanctuary area and vessels, etc. with more reverence when they fully understand the purpose of them and meaning behing them. How do you recruit ladies for such a ministry? Usually students need service hours for Confirmation and/or high school. What an excellent way to serve the parish and obtain those hours!

Stay tuned for my next post on dealing with those Doubting Thomas teens/tweens and more things you can do as a family to engage your children.