Taking Your Tween/Teen to Mass- Part 2

The Doubting Thomas Tween/Teen

I have had the pleasure of catechizing many young people who aren't sure God exists, aren't sure Jesus Christ is the Messiah, and/or aren't sure Catholicism is the faith founded by Christ. I relate strongly to these young people because I was one of them. Unfortunately, from the ages of 10-15, when my faith had the most doubts, I didn't have a safe place to share these doubts. I didn't feel I could tell my parents and I had no other close, adult mentors. Yup- I was an atheist altar server and no one knew it at the time.  Junior high youth ministry wasn't a thing yet and I wasn't old enough for my parish's youth ministry offerings until I was a sophomore. By then, I had struggled much and lost a lot of faith. I might have been in less turmoil if I'd had someone to help and encourage me much sooner.

First and foremost, do you know whether or not your child is one of these people? Like me, your teen/tween might not feel they can tell their parents. I received the Sacrament of Confirmation when I was 13 and in the 8th grade. Our parents gave us letters to read that morning, after rehearsal. My mom's letter upset me. It said, "I know most kids your age are just going through the motions, but I am so proud knowing you aren't one of them." (insert sucker punch to the gut here) I had lots of anger towards bullying at school and blamed God. I kept praying to God to make the bullying stop. The longer things went on and my prayers went "unanswered", I determined God didn't exist because a loving God would never make me suffer so much. At the time, I felt I shouldn't receive Confirmation but didn't know how to articulate that to my parents, teachers, or godmother/sponsor. Looking back, I'm grateful I received it when I did because I believe the Holy Spirit gave me the strength and courage to come back to the Catholic faith in two year's time. Without Confirmation, perhaps I wouldn't have been as open.

I always encourage my students to tell me if they don't believe in God/Christ. It helps me help them. I spend lots of extra time with my Doubting Thomas students discussing, debating, catechizing, theorizing, praying... you name it. They need someone to work through this with them, not someone to judge them, blame them, or ignore them.

Do your best to talk with your tween/teen about their level of belief. If he/she won't open up to you, find someone they can talk with. Your son or daughter might tell you they are an atheist and don't believe in God. The biggest reason most kids give me is that "science makes sense", "I believe in the big bang theory and/or evolution" or "science proves God doesn't exist". One of the best Catholic resources out there comes from the Magis Center. This Jesuit-run ministry has amazing tools (including a DVD and workbook series) to help teens study science and understand how scientific truths coexist side-by-side what we know about God. This series addresses every science/religion argument your child can throw at you. Consider asking someone at your parish to start a ministry to allow these kids to healthfully explore science in a Catholic context and see how science definitely does not disprove God's existence.

Is your tween/teen unsure Christ is who he says he is? Or unsure Catholicism is the one, true faith? Here is where Lighthouse Catholic Media offers some AMAZING tools. From talks by Scott Hahn and Matthew Kelly to books such as "Confessions of a Mega Pastor" you can find so many stories of conversion, including converts from Satanism, Mormonism, Judaism, and a variety of Protestant faiths. Talks like Mark Hart's "Remade" discuss lifelong Catholics strengthening and deepening their faith. Listen to and discuss them as a family or in small groups of tweens/teens. Some of them are even part of Lighthouse's teen series and made especially for their age.

Another great book for kids who are doubting is the series of daring teen saints by Colleen Swaim. Both Ablaze and Radiate are filled phenomenal stories that will soften the hardest of teens' hearts. These stories show them how relevant Catholicism is to young people- so relevant that they have been canonized. Read a few pages as a family each night and pray to those saints. Don't say it aloud, but ask the saint you're reading to pray for your child in doubt. Intercessory prayer is a great thing and underutilized tool in our faith.

Doing the Bare Minimum/Practical Matters

If your tween/teen fights you on Mass attendance, remind them of your baptismal call to raise them in the faith. Educate them on the precepts of the Church as defined in the Catechism of the Catholic Church #2041-2043:

1- You shall attend Mass on Sundays and holy days of obligation and rest from servile labor.

2- You shall confess your sins at least once a year.

3 - You shall receive the sacrament of the Eucharist at least during the Easter season.

4 - You shall observe the days of fasting and abstinence established by the Church.

5- You shall help to provide for the needs of the Church

Make an agreement that you will hold them to these, and only these, until they are 18. Tell them this isn't about them- it's about you. You, as a parent, made a promise to God and it's unfair of your tween/teen to expect you to break that promise. Set conditions you can both agree on such as:

• If you willingly go to Mass each Sunday and Holy Day, I won't make you do chores on those days so as to rest from "servile labor" on those days. Any kid who gets a one day pass on lawn mowing or dishes is likely to do anything you want! Do not let them boast or brag about this privilege to siblings and, in fact, tell them if they mention it to their siblings then they will receive extra chores. This is a private matter between you and your struggling tween/teen. 
• Don't force them to sit with you. Provided they have shown they can behave and pay reasonable attention, let them sit alone or with friends. A very wise RE parent called me one fall and said to please make sure my daughter is in the same class with so-and-so. We had Sunday morning RE. The girls (aged 9 or so) would sit together at Mass, attend RE together, and come home for a play date at one of the girls' homes. Make a more adult deal of sorts for older kids, but help find peers to reinforce whenever possible. 

• Don't pressure your teen to participating in Mass. In fact, encourage them to sit there and talk with God about his/her doubts. Two things will happen: most self conscious tweens/teens will want to stand, pray, etc. once not forced to do so because they don't like standing out and, secondly, these "conversations" with God are a prayer, even in doubt. Sitting there and thinking, "God, I don't think you exist" is still prayer.

• You must come to Reconciliation once/year (preferably during Lent) and speak with a priest. I cannot force you to go to confession, but think you should so as to prepare yourself for Easter Eucharist. Let them know it's perfectly acceptable (and probably more common than we think) to walk into a confessional and say, "Father, I don't know why I am here. I am unsure if I believe in God or not. I don't want to go to Mass and I don't consider myself Catholic." Let the priest and the Holy Spirit take it from there. 

• Receive the Eucharist at Easter. Most of us forget that we are not required to receive the Eucharist every week. Tell your teen they may stay in the pew or go up for a blessing (as appropriate in your congregation). This sounds like a free pass but most teens are too self-conscious to stray from the norm. You'd be surprised that after being questioned by friends once or twice, they'll likely start going again on their own. Be patient with this process. 

• Abstain from meat on Fridays during Lent and Ash Wednesday. (If your family observes no meat on any Friday, you should make that the expectation.)

• Volunteer your time at Church in some capacity for a set number of days/hours per year. Whether it's helping in the nursery, greeting at Mass, or stuffing bulletins, find a benign ministry they can do that will not force them to pray or act on things they are doubting right now. Make the ministry as far removed from Mass/prayer as possible  but let them know the expectation. 

• If they have a job, consider telling them they must tithe 10% (or a % more appropriate if you cannot afford to tithe 10%) - 5% to the parish and 5% to a special fund you're willing to match (this is instead of the 5% to a charity of choice often recommended). You and your son/daughter can agree on a "cause" for this fund even if the "charity" is as simple as taking the whole family out to dinner or something a tad selfish but that  benefits the household and reinforces the family. If they are willing to give the other 5% to an actual charity, awesome, but it may take years to build to that step.

If Confirmation falls during this time when your child is struggling, set basic expectations: they must attend any/all prep up to and including the retreat. They must not insult the faith of those around them. They must meet with the DRE, youth minister, a deacon, or a priest (someone will almost definitely be willing) once at the beginning of the process to explain why they don't want to do it and once after the retreat to discern if they still want to back out. As a DRE I always promised those students (and my pastor agreed) that since they had done all the prep, they could return to me anytime before the age of 18 and ask to receive Confirmation. I would expect them to go on retreat again to spiritually prepare, but that would be all.
Most of all, remember the less you fight them, the more open their hearts will remain.

Some additional things you can do to help during this age/phase are:

• Discuss the readings and homily on the way home from Mass to help your child find relevance. 
• Encourage "prayer" at home that doesn't look like prayer. "What are 3 things you were grateful for today?" 
• Create more family time at meals or other occasions just to be together. The closer you are as a family, the more open your teen might be to discussing faith matters with you.
• Pray for your child and try not to push him/her. If you pray together as a family and your tween/teen balks, help them politely and appropriately voice their doubts/complaints/feelings to God.
• Within reason, help him/her explore other faiths. Accompany them to services at other churches and/or read on other faiths they think seem intriguing but always fall it up with a story of someone who converted to Catholicism from that faith and why. Help them see and understand both sides of it. You can appreciate the good things in ANY faith belief system provided you back it up with the how and why of what the Church teaches. You may even reaffirm your own faith along the way. 
• When you get frustrated, take the frustration out on God (He can take it!) and not your child. Remember, God gave your child free will and all those fun, stubborn thoughts he/she is having! ;)

Most of all, love your tween/teen, doubts and all. Remember, at this age they often just want to rebel. Don't let faith be the thing you most fight about and don't give them reason to want to rebel. Pushing too much will just lead them to push away.  And lastly, don't ever tell them they should be a Catholic "just because" or "because that's how I was raised". Help them find reasons to stay Catholic and, if you don't have any reasons other than "just because", start searching for reasons alongside your child. Good luck and God bless!

My Doubting Thomas Experience

I told one of my Doubting Thomas relatives recently about my "Jewostic" phase in college. My undergraduate Christology course left me doubting our Lord's divinity and, spiritually, left me somewhere between Jewish and agnostic. This period of doubt happened just as Lent started. I told God that for Lent I would commit to continuing to attend Mass each Sunday and would keep praying with the goal that God would soften my heart and I would enter Easter with joy and faith. I would keep up with my religious choirs and Wednesday night prayer/spirituality group. What happened? On my way to receive the Eucharist I would pray, "Lord, I don't believe this is really you, but if I'm wrong please help me to see and know otherwise.". Forty days later, the burden of my heart was lifted. It was gradual, nothing earth shattering, but Celine Dion played an odd role in my spiritual healing. One night I turned on the radio after an angry shouting match at God. The song That's the Way it Is was playing and I suddenly imagined the Lord singing to me:

I can read your mind

And I know your story

I see what you're going through, yeah

It's an uphill climb

And I'm feeling sorry

But I know it will come to you, yeah

Don't surrender

'Cause you can win

In this thing called love

When you want it the most

There's no easy way out

When you're ready to go

And your heart's left in doubt

Don't give up on your faith

Love comes to those who believe it

And that's the way it is

When you question me

For a simple answer

I don't know what to say, no

But it's plain to see

If you stick together

You're gonna find the way, yeah

So don't surrender

'Cause you can win

In this thing called love

When you want it the most

There's no easy way out

When you're ready to go

And your heart's left in doubt

Don't give up on your faith

Love comes to those who believe it

And that's the way it is

That's the way it is

When life is empty,

With no tomorrow,

And loneliness starts to call

Baby don't worry

Forget your sorrow

'Cause love's gonna conquer it all all

When you want it the most

There's no easy way out

When you're ready to go

And your heart's left in doubt

Don't give up on your faith

Love comes to those who believe it

(And that's the way it is

When you want it the most

There's no easy way out

When you're ready to go

And your heart's left to doubt)

Don't give up on your faith

Love comes to those who believe it

And that's the way it is

That's the way it is

That's the way it is

Don't give up on your faith

Love comes to those who believe it

And that's the way it is

So God and Celine got me through my roughest patch, eventually. There were other times of doubt where I pondered leaving the Catholic faith but Mass attendance, staying close to Our Lady, etc. helped me immensely and I don't think I'll ever face those doubts again. I have gone through VERY trying circumstances as an adult and with the help of God and Our Blessed Mother, my faith came out stronger than ever. During a potentially serious illness, the Anointing of the Sick, prayers from my parishioners, and Mass offered by my priest/boss brought me through. When I struggled to attend Mass because I was grieving a divorce (and barely got out of bed), friends prayed for me and countless hours were offered in front of the Blessed Sacrament for me. I know those prayers brought me safely to the other side.